Consent & Neurodivergence: Navigating Clear Communication in Intimate Moments

Gretchen Pound, PhD
May 9
3 min read

A man and a woman are lying in bed together.

In any intimate encounter—whether it's a hug, a kiss, or sex—consent is essential. It's not just about saying "yes" or "no." It's about communication, mutual understanding, and ongoing respect. But when you're neurodivergent, or you're in a relationship with someone who is, communication about consent can look and feel different, and that’s okay.

Let’s explore how neurodivergence can influence how we express and interpret consent, and how we can create safer, clearer, and more affirming spaces for intimacy.

What Do We Mean by Neurodivergence?

"Neurodivergent" is an umbrella term that includes people with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, OCD, Tourette's, and other cognitive or neurological differences. Neurodivergent people may experience the world—and communicate about it—differently from neurotypical folks.

Some common differences include:

Sensory processing sensitivities (e.g., touch may feel overwhelming or painful)
Differences in verbal or nonverbal communication
Social anxiety or difficulties interpreting social cues
Literal thinking or a need for explicit, unambiguous language

These differences don’t make consent less possible—they just mean we might need to approach it differently.

Consent Looks Different for Different People

Typical ideas of consent often rely on reading body language or tone, but these can be unclear or inaccessible for many neurodivergent folks. Instead, clear and direct communication works best.

That might look like:

✅ Asking: “Can I kiss you?” or “Is this pressure okay?”
🟢 Using a traffic light system: Green = yes, Yellow = unsure, Red = stop
✨ Regular check-ins: “Still feeling good?” or “Need a break?”
📝 Offering multiple ways to respond: texting, gestures, or agreed-upon code words

Consent isn’t one-size-fits-all, and that’s what makes it powerful.

Respecting Sensory Boundaries

Touch can be overwhelming for some neurodivergent people, even if it’s meant to feel good.

💡 Tip: Always ask first. What’s comforting to you might be too much for someone else.

Try: “I’d love to cuddle—does that feel okay? If not, we can just sit close.”

This honors both comfort and connection.

What About Masking?

Some neurodivergent people "mask" by hiding their true selves to seem more typical. In close moments, this can lead to saying "yes" just to avoid discomfort.

To reduce masking, foster radical acceptance, and patience. Normalize responses like “no” or “maybe” with reassurances such as:

“It’s okay if you’re unsure or don’t want to.”
“You never owe me a yes—just honesty and comfort.”

Tips for All Partners (Neurodivergent or Not)

Practice consent as an ongoing conversation, not a checkbox.
Be open to learning and unlearning. Everyone has different needs and comfort zones.
Create a judgment-free space. It’s okay to need clarification or reassurance.
Discuss boundaries outside of intimate moments, when emotions are calm.
Use tools if helpful: shared Google Docs for boundaries, visual checklists, or apps designed for sexual communication.

Final Thoughts: Consent is for Everyone

Being neurodivergent doesn’t make consent harder—it just means we might need to communicate more clearly, intentionally, and creatively. That’s not a bad thing. It can lead to more meaningful, respectful, and safe intimate experiences for everyone involved.

Remember: The best intimacy is built on trust, understanding, and mutual care.

Whether you're neurodivergent, neurotypical, or somewhere in between, consent is a skill—and like any skill, it gets better with practice.

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