The Challenges of Affection & Touch for Partners with Sensory Sensitivities
- Gretchen Pound, PhD
- Apr 21
- 3 min read
In most romantic relationships, affection and physical touch are natural ways to connect, communicate love, and build intimacy. But for individuals with sensory sensitivities—whether due to autism, sensory processing disorder (SPD), anxiety, PTSD, or other conditions—touch can be overwhelming, distressing, or even painful.
This mismatch in needs and expectations can create emotional confusion, misunderstandings, and unintentional hurt in relationships. But it doesn't mean love and closeness aren’t possible. It simply means that love has to be expressed with greater awareness, compassion, and adaptability.
What Are Sensory Sensitivities?
Sensory sensitivities involve heightened or altered responses to sensory input. This could be sensitivity to sound, light, textures, or—in this case—physical touch. For someone with touch sensitivity, a casual hug, a pat on the back, or even the brush of a hand might feel too intense, irritating, or even painful.
This isn't about rejection—it's about regulation. For the sensitive partner, touch doesn’t always equate to comfort. It can increase stress or cause discomfort even if it's offered with love.
When Affection Feels Different
For neurotypical partners, affection might mean cuddling on the couch, holding hands, spontaneous hugs, or kissing as a greeting or goodbye. When those gestures aren’t received in the expected way—or are avoided altogether—it can feel like emotional distance. But the sensitive partner may be battling an internal sensory storm, not rejecting their partner’s love.
This can lead to questions like:
“Do they still love me?”
“Why don’t they want to be close?”
“Am I doing something wrong?”
These are deeply human fears, but they require reframing when sensory sensitivities are part of the relationship dynamic.
Communication is Key
One of the most powerful tools for navigating this challenge is open, shame-free communication.
👉 For the sensory-sensitive partner: Talk about what feels comfortable and what doesn’t. Are there specific types of touch that are calming? What are the times of day when you’re more receptive? A certain kind of fabric, pressure, or duration that makes it easier?
👉 For the partner without sensitivities: Approach the conversation with curiosity, not frustration. Remember, it’s not personal. Be open to learning and rethinking how you show love.
Together, partners can create a shared language of affection that honors both people’s needs.
Redefining Intimacy
Affection doesn’t have to follow a one-size-fits-all script. Here are some ways couples can reimagine connection:
Verbal affirmations – Words of affirmation can carry as much emotional weight as touch.
Acts of service – Doing small things to show care can be just as intimate as a hug.
Scheduled touch – Setting a predictable, controlled time for physical affection can help the sensory-sensitive partner feel safe and prepared.
Alternative connection – Shared activities like watching a show, walking side by side, or playing a game can foster closeness without relying on physical contact.
Building a Bridge Together
Relationships where one or both partners experience sensory sensitivities can thrive with mutual respect, education, and a lot of patience. The path to closeness might look different, but it can be just as meaningful—if not more so—because it’s built on understanding, flexibility, and genuine care.
Conclusion:
Love isn't only found in a kiss or a hug. It's in the effort to understand each other, to show up differently, and to communicate openly—even when it’s hard. For partners navigating sensory sensitivities, affection may take a little more creativity, but that only makes the connection deeper and more intentional.
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And Remember
"I want to make a difference in people’s lives!
I work to ensure everyone has an
equal opportunity to succeed."
-- Gretchen Pound, PhD
